"And End It Once And For All" - Mass Effect 3 Review *Spoilers*

I completed my playthrough of Mass Effect 3 a few days ago. After giving myself some time to let everything I had experienced sink in I knew that this review would be the hardest review I would ever do.

I'm certain that, by now, everybody knows that Mass Effect 3 has been met with what can only be be described as the epitome of mixed emotions. Some adore this game, others hate it with a fiery passion, and some fall within the middle. It's not unexpected, considering this game is probably the highest anticipated game of the year. Like any blockbuster title, everyone's going to have their own opinion. This is mine, as clear and thought out as I can possibly make it having allowed myself time to simmer and stew in my fanboy juices (it's just as nasty as it sounds... I've been playing this game for three days straight).

Mass Effect 3 is a tragedy in every sense of the word.

The folks at Bioware once again show just how talented they are in the realms of storytelling and character development while delivering a solid shooter/RPG hybrid. As a fan of the series I can safely say that this game is everything I expected it to be and more. The characters are once again flawless and memorable, even the new additions manage to hold their own amongst the fans' favorites. Gameplay has been perfected, the shooter aspects merging seamlessly with the RPG aspects. Just as Bioware had promised, Mass Effect 3 is a great mix of 1 and 2. This is further influenced by the fact that newcomers can choose the type of game they want, Story centered, Action centered, or Classic RPG mode, which will no doubt encourage a plethora of varying players to pick up a copy.

Graphics are beautiful and remarkably detailed. From character models to environments this game is great to look at. However the best graphics are no doubt the pre-rendered graphics in loading screens and cinematics. My favorite being the establishing shot of the Martian Base, which I initially thought was from a big budget movie.

The sound design is fantastic. Weapons sound like they have power behind them, Shepard's footfalls as he/she runs around sound heavy from all the armor he/she is wearing. The ambiance further captures the sci-fi feeling of the world.

The music is undoubtedly the best in the series. Clint Mansell's work should be noted as he brings a new found emotionality to the series that previous entries lacked. Even with this the soundtrack doesn't lose sight of it's sci-fi setting with fantastic synth and techno tunes mixed in. There are even tracks from previous titles to illicit fond nostalgia. I will definitely be grabbing the whole soundtrack to this game.

The story, now 5 years in the making, continues to grab you emotionally with memorable characters and stories. The gravity of the fact that the Reapers have arrived and that war is upon the galaxy is felt throughout the game as you travel from planet to planet. Character interaction and banter returns in full force with what I think is hours of dialogue. Bioware makes you love these characters, and by god do you love them. It is this fact that is a crucial element to the issue that has become evident since the game's release, which I will get to in the spoiler section.

It is everything you could want in a Mass Effect game. Well, almost everything. The game does have its faults. Without getting into spoilers here are some things I had a problem with:

Exploration is once again significantly reduced. Gone is the mineral scanning system (gladly gone by the way) and in its place we have its bare bones. You fly around the galaxy like before, but instead of scanning planets you scan the solar systems with a pulse which finds nifty items that you either have to scan a planet for like in ME 2 but everything you scan for is marked on your reticule as an arrow (much like searching for distress signals in ME 2). This in of itself isn't a problem, it's the fact that reapers inevitably get alerted to your presence when you use the scanning pulse and chase you out of the system. This wouldn't be a problem if the damn Reaper Awareness bar didn't fill up to halfway with the first pulse alone (sometimes it fills up more than that too). Initially this discouraged me from exploring as I didn't want to get caught by reapers, and the only way to get rid of them is to play through a mission. Over time I did learn that by using "scan and run" tactics you could gather resources in reaper infested zones with little trouble which in turn made the whole mechanic of Reapers chasing after you if you scan too much completely irrelevant.
Along with this, I was disappointed to find that the work Bioware did in the DLC that revealed the Hammerhead transport vehicle didn't make its way into this game to fully replace the Mako segments from the first game. However it isn't a big deal since the game makes up for it with memorable missions on a wide array of alien planets.

Managing missions in the menu is a hassle, this is where things seem to take a step backwards as every mission is on one page where in previous titles primary missions and sub-missions were separated into their own groups. They also lack a lot of important information and I found myself trying to figure out where and what I was supposed to do in order to complete them. Then, as I moved further into the game I found myself getting bogged down by completed missions and having to scroll up to active ones, annoying but not truly terrible.

The largest complaint I have about it is how Bioware has allowed multiplayer to actually affect the single player game, which I thought they said wouldn't happen. However, it very much does. I wasn't impressed when they announced multiplayer from the beginning (I believe multiplayer, though just as credible a form of gameplay as any, shouldn't be a requirement for every game). Having the multiplayer game affect the readiness score in your single player campaign is not only stupid, it's down right wrong. I never once thought that the multiplayer in Halo didn't take place in the world of the story, it was more of an extension of the game using the mechanics in an online environment.

Apart from that Mass Effect 3 is a solid game. Anyone would enjoy it.

Then we move on into SPOILER territory....

The story finally solves all the issues that have been prevalent in the series from the get go. You find out how to cure the genophage. You can end the Geth's war with the Quarians. You can unite the galaxy against the threat of the reapers. However, while this story is exactly what I wanted in the final installment to this trilogy, everything it either established or concluded is ultimately rendered moot by the endings. I may be beating a dead horse but by god will I beat it. Like a number of fans (and not enough actual reviewers) I can't help but feel betrayed. And it is in every way a betrayal.

Of all the things I could've seen this game getting wrong, the endings weren't one of them. Which only makes the shock that much worse.

Suffice it to say this is now how I wanted my Mass Effect story to end. This isn't how I wanted my Shepard's story to end.


What's surprising is how these endings hardly differ between one another. For one, there isn't an ending where the reapers actually win, which I felt would've been an interesting one to see. What they all boil down to is that the Reaper threat is neutralized in some form and it results in the destruction of the mass relays and the stranding of the Normandy crew on some unknown world.

You don't get to go back to the Citadel and have a drink with your friends to celebrate your hard earned victory. You don't get to be with the character you chose as your love interest. The worlds of the galaxy have been cut off from one another and have no way of reestablishing contact with one another.

In hindsight, these endings aren't even that terrible. They do end the struggle of the reaper war, regardless of the sacrifices you do achieve what you set out to do: stop the reapers. However, I expected something more optimistic, especially considering how big these games are.

Admittedly, it may sound silly to expect everything to have a happy ending considering the stakes involved. However, it should've at least been an option among many. Just to be given the option would've been appreciated.

You're left with so many questions

But the question everyone is asking is:
Why?

I for one am asking why anyone in the writer's room thought these were a great idea. As an amateur writer I know a story requires a good payoff. Of course this doesn't apply to all stories, not all stories require a happy ending to be great stories. However, there's a reason why a majority of stories have happy endings, and it's not because it's cliche, its because audiences respond better to them. Especially if the audience has become emotionally invested in the characters and in these games we have become very invested in these characters (the damning characteristic I mentioned earlier). This is more so in a game like Mass Effect where you personalize the protagonist which immediately builds an emotional investment in the character because it is MY character. This translates into the world because I'm not simply watching a character make choices that affect the world but MY choices that affect the world. I'm not watching a character build relationships with other characters I'M building relationships with characters.

So when people see the anger from everyone who has played this game it's not just because the poor folks at Bioware have "ruined the game" it's because they ruined OUR game.

What it all boils down to is that a majority of the fans have been left confused, embittered, and betrayed. This one included.

Mass Effect 3 is a great game, it's a brilliantly constructed piece of entertainment. Which begs the question of how it could've gone so wrong? All we can do is continue to ask and hope someone has the answers.

However, as the game stands at this moment. I cannot bring myself to recommend it. It may be great, it may be one of the best games of 2012, but I will not recommend it.

That is why Mass Effect 3 is a tragedy.

I must then, sadly, give Mass Effect 3 2 broken hearts out of 5...

"I can fly!" - Chronicle Review

It is rare to find a film that emotionally engages me. It could be because I'm a narcissistic sociopath with no soul to speak of but I'm pretty sure it's because most films churned out by Story Corp. are shallow machinations aimed at making a quick buck which wouldn't be so bad if they still managed to emotionally engage me in something other than sheer contempt for the human race and the film industry. Would it have killed someone to make the Transformers movies something more than a joke about how people will watch anything as long as you insult their intelligence while flashing deafening explosions in their face? Would it have killed James Cameron to come up with an actual plot for Avatar instead of emotionally manipulating the audience with sociopolitical agendas? Would it have killed George Lucas to actually come up with a story for the Star Wars prequels? I ask these questions because it apparently didn't kill director Josh Trank and writer Max Landis, relative newcomers to the film making foray I might add, when they made the film of this review: Chronicle.

When I saw the trailers for this movie I thought to myself: Another found footage movie, just great! The last found footage movie I ever saw was Apollo 18 and it was a piece of shit! Plus this movie's about kids with superpowers. Another superhero movie? Is that all Hollywood cranks out when not crapping out terrible remakes of obscure TV shows like 21 Jump Street (And yes by now it's obscure I didn't know about it and I'm a television addict!). It was bad enough when they were remaking shit we recognized but now this?
To cut a long, insane, thought short, I really didn't think much of this movie. Found footage movies don't work unless they're titled Paranormal Activity, superhero movies have long since passed their expiration date (I haven't seen Captain America or Thor, that's how sick of them I am. I'm not saying they're bad movies, I'm saying I prefer a little variety to my movies), and teen movies piss me off because when was the last teen movie since the Breakfast Club that actually was worth a damn and not full of stereotypes? (So much for cutting a long, insane, thought short!)

However, tonight I just finished watching this film and I have to say it is, so far, one of the best films of the year. The story isn't anything new, it's actually very familiar, yet still manages to feel more original than any movie that was adapted from a Hasbro toy line. What makes this film stand out is how engaging the characters are. They're not stereotypes, they are people with depth and emotions, people you'd actually like in real life (for the most part), and when something happens to them you feel for them and care. This is rare to find in a mainstream film these days. Most other movies I'm wishing the protagonists get killed because that's all I care about seeing by the time the second half of the movie starts because the characters aren't people I'm emotionally invested in, they're just potential fodder to the lackluster film I just paid seven bucks for (if I'm not seeing it in 3-D, which I never do, or in IMAX, which I reserve for Chris Nolan films). But with Chronicle you care and you feel like it's seven bucks well spent (and it is worth it to see this film at full price, I highly recommend it).

To being the non-spoilerish portion of the review I will start with a basic synopsis of the film. Chronicle is about three teenage boys who discover a mysterious object in the forest that grants them telekinetic powers. The boys are: Andrew (played by Dane DeHaan) a reclusive boy who hides behind a camera due to his abusive father and rough high school life, Matt (played by Alex Russell) Andrew's cousin who likes to quote philosophers and is Andrew's only friend, and Steve (played by Michael B. Jordan) a popular student running for class president and somewhat friend of Matt's at the beginning of the film. The three of them discover a strange object buried underground that grants them powers beyond their wildest dreams. You've seen most of the antics they engage in already in the trailers as they play with their abilities by playing pranks on people. However, over the course of the film they develop a strong friendship whilst developing their powers which they soon realize come with great responsibility.
Chronicle isn't about these kids learning to become superheroes, this isn't a superhero movie, it's a tragic tale of a friendship dashed by hardship and corrupting power. If you're looking for a feel-good movie this isn't it. If you are looking for a movie that will engage you emotionally and keep you engaged from beginning to end, then this movie is right up your alley.

Getting into more spoilerish territory I'll move onto the best part about this movie.

The best part about this movie are the three central characters who are played by brilliant young actors. You can't help but love these characters because they are believable, realistic, and have depth to them. This is the first movie in a long time where I actually remember the characters' names. DeHaan performance as Andrew is gripping as his character crackles with intense power fueled by all his repressed emotions. You feel sorry for this kid as he's struggling with an abusive father and sick mother at home while facing the hardships of high school. Russell gives a heartwarming and heartbreaking performance as Andrew's cousin Matt who serves as a sort of "leader" of the group, admittedly Matt is the weakest of the three characters but nonetheless he plays a pivotal role as the moral compass of the group. However, my favorite is undoubtedly Michael B. Jordan, who plays Steve, who really warms up to Andrew and tries to help him come out of his shell. There isn't a single scene where Jordan doesn't come off as charismatic and loveable as Steve. Undoubtedly, he and Andrew form a more tighter bond than with Matt as there are more scenes where both Steve and Andrew discuss things like Andrew's tendency to distance himself through his camera and how Andrew could be more open socially. This fact makes Steve's death later in the film that much more powerful and unlike every other death I've ever seen in a recent film I too felt the loss. My jaw literally dropped to the ground in the theater when the film cuts to Steve's funeral. (To note, the only other time this happened was when I saw Gandalf die in the first Lord of The Rings). You get to know these kids and grow to understand, like, and relate to them. This is because, regardless of the fact that this is a movie about kids with superpowers, this movie feels real (in a way no amount of 3D can recreate).

This is where the found footage aspect manages to help the film, in making what's taking place seem real. The style is used at its best when the boys are playing pranks using their powers. Who wouldn't be playing pranks like this if they could move things with their minds? And who wouldn't want to film it all? I would be posting that crap on youtube every day if I could. This is a logical step teenaged boys would take when they find out they have superpowers, what anybody would do if they had superpowers. Adding to this is the very real emotions that the boys have when they're just hanging out together. They feel like normal kids just chilling together, the only difference is that they're hanging out about a thousand feet in the air. In turn, you begin to develop an attachment to these characters, and that's what makes this movie shine.

Regardless of the fact that every and all shots are "found footage" from Andrew's cameras to the camera the police put inside Andrew's hospital room for "investigative purposes," which detracts from the realism a bit, you manage to stay focused on the story of these friends as their lives spiral out of control. Ironically, like every found footage movie ever made, the style not only helps the film but weakens it as well. All because it's difficult, even in an age where camera phones are in almost every person's pocket, to justify the presence of a camera. Take the aforementioned hosptial scene near the end of the film, the lack of a proper camera in Andrew's hosptial room requires the silly "hand wavy" explanation for a random camera in the room via a "police investigation." This is exacerbated by the resulting scene captured on the camera where Andrew's abusive father attempts to hit his severely injured son in the wake of his wife's death. This makes no sense because people act differently when they know they're being watched, and Andrew's father knew about the camera because the police told him about it. He wouldn't have struck Andrew if the plot hadn't required it. However, I digress, this is only a minor flaw in an otherwise damn good movie. Even the usual justification for cameras, Andrew's coping mechanism, is a better excuse than the usual "somebody has to document this" bullshit. The film is much more deft at justifying cameras for the most part.

The story is simple for the most part. Like I said before the strongest aspect are the characters but that doesn't translate into bad story. It's a tragedy about a group of boys who forge a friendship due to their being bestowed incredible powers which ultimately gets destroyed by Andrew as his repressed feelings brought on by his abusive father and unlucky social life culminate into a rampage that not only costs the life of Steve but Andrew's as well. Andrew isn't even the antagonist, in fact he is more of a tragic protagonist. What happens to him is just a result of his hardships in life and, combined with his almost godlike powers, it drives him to his downfall. To be honest I don't feel like divulging it completely because if you haven't seen the movie you shouldn't be spoiling it for yourself. Go see it. It's worth the money to see it full price. I deserves your money unlike most other films.

Ironically, I couldn't help but notice how Chronicle was like how the Star Wars prequels should've been like. Andrew is a person living a hard life who is granted great power that he eventually abuses which leads him to the dark side. Unlike the prequels, however, Chronicle manages to make the downfall dramatic and engaging.

In conclusion I give Chronicle five floating baseballs out of five for it's emotionally engaging story, memorable trio of characters, and excellent use of the found footage technique regardless of a few minor issues in logic.

It's Back! SIAU Season 2: Episode 2

You look up and see a door floating in circles in front of you. It draws closer and closer, slowly opening as it does. You step inside and find yourself in another world outside the one you know. It is a world of infinite possibility with infinite variations and infinite forms. It's infinite. This is known as the multiverse and it's a very very big place. I'm serious, one universe is big enough and there are millions of them! That's why it took me so long to get this episode up, I got lost and the cheeseburger man I met in dimension 212 gave crappy directions! Don't trust cheeseburger men, they may smell delicious but inside they are nothing but processed meat byproduct!

...

Anyways, I'm back and ready to share more of the strange worlds I have uncovered in this the latest entry in "SOMEWHERE IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE!"

Somewhere in another universe:

It was discovered that George Lucas' turkey neck was in fact an evil alien parasite bent on ruining our childhoods.

Apple put Steve Jobs' brain into an Apple iBod.

It was discovered that Abraham Lincoln was in fact involved in paranormal investigations, he wasn't a vampire hunter however, but did go toe to toe with El Chupacabra.

When Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises was released it inspired Michael Bay to quit directing and become a monk in a monastery.

Tron Legacy charged tickets to 3D showings at half price due to it being only half 3D.

When someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness said patient is given a nurse who sexually pleasures them in ways that are illegal in our universe.

Theaters that had showings of The Smurfs secretly replaced the film with copies of the Playboy version of Avatar, which explains how it nearly beat Cowboys and Aliens at the box office.

The game Angry Birds is actually a war biopic.

Men have developed the ability to see through clothing and have managed to keep this hidden from women for hundreds of years.

The Government has been hiding the existence of extraterrestrials from the public. The reason for it, as stated by President Richard Nixon, was: "For shits and giggles."

There is no such thing as Orange juice with pulp.

Men who leave the toilet seat up are forced to eat 28 metric tons of lima beans as punishment.

In "Rise of The Planet of The Apes" David Hewlett is considered the main protagonist.

Verizon actually sells androids. Not the phones but actual androids.

The world is inhabited by cheeseburger people who eat humans between slabs of granite. They also give terrible directions.

The Large Hadron Collider was designed by IKEA.

The Batman movies are even more realistic. In that Bruce Wayne grows up to be a normal guy since he had no clue how to train to become a master crimefighter because who the hell does that?

We know what the three sea shells are for.

You've had sex with *insert favorite celebrity here* but no one believes you.

Dead Island was just as emotionally engaging as it's trailer.

Someone has invented the Geek Girl detector.

And so our meeting has come to an end. Leave here knowing that while you may inhabit an insane world that it could have been worse. You could have been a cheeseburger person, or had sex with your favorite celebrity but no one believes you. For all things are possible somewhere in another universe....

"Smells Like Skunk Bombs." My Review of Assassin's Creed: Revelations

So Christmas has come and gone, and for a while now I've been playing all my new games. This includes the latest addition to the Assassin's Creed games: Assassin's Creed: Revelations. Which I just finished. Now, I'm going to tell you all about it, but before I do I will get the non-spoiler filled review done and over with and say that this game ranks the lowest of all the Assassin's Creed games. The highest, in my opinion, was Assassin's Creed 2 followed by the first game and then Brotherhood.
This game just didn't seem necessary from the get go. When I heard it would once again put players in the shoes of Ezio Auditore once again I asked myself: "Do we really need another Ezio centric game? Hasn't the dude done enough? Why not go to a new time with a new character for us to get to know?" This all comes back to the fact that by this time the folks at Ubisoft should have let the Venetian Assassin get some well deserved rest after his discovery of the Vault in AC 2, which had by far the biggest revelations of any game even the one with "Revelations" in the title.

I was willing to go on another adventure with Ezio when Brotherhood came out, it wasn't too bad. I liked the guy and his time period well enough to see what other mysteries he would uncover, but alas, all that really happened in that game could've been reserved for a half-price expansion pack. Not that I'm saying Brotherhood was bad, it just wasn't the proper step to take after AC 2 basically laid everything on the table and told us what needed to get done: which was (spoilers if you have yet to play the second game) save the world from a massive solar flare with the lost technology from the first civilization.

To be honest, from then on out, the third Assassin's Creed game probably should have taken place in present time, with Desmond (the actual protagonist of the games) finally becoming the primary player character instead of "just some guy" you play when not actually playing the game. In fact I thought the whole point of living through Ezio's life was so that Desmond could absorb his training and become the assassin he should've been.

However, the folks at Ubisoft felt it was better* (*more profitable?) if they stretched things out a bit* (*over the course of two years). We got Brotherhood and Revelations as a result, and where Brotherhood introduced some innovative new gameplay (the introduction to gathering your own group of assassins to use during missions) and some not so innovative gameplay (repetitively burn down a series of towers) Revelations takes it a step further while taking two steps back at the same time.

Revelations adds very little to the table worth mentioning with the exception of the "hook blade" which Ezio uses to zip on zip lines and extend his reach when climbing and being an all around bad-ass. However, this addition's charm quickly wears off as I kept finding myself not being able to use the zip lines because wherever I was going the zip lines would be going in the opposite direction. The hook blade offers very little combat advantages since Ezio was already a force to be reckoned with by the time Brotherhood started, and I rarely ever used the hook blade's features.

Another addition to the game is the introduction to different kinds of bombs instead of just the smoke bomb. Don't remember using smoke bombs in Assassin's Creed before? That's because you probably never used them outside the missions they were introduced in during AC 2 and Brotherhood. I sure as hell didn't. Now there's more bombs for you to use* (*not to use unless you like throwing bombs filled with skunk oil) including flash bombs, tack bombs, and... sheep's blood bombs? Once again, this feature hardly ever proved useful during my playthrough of the game and whenever I did make an effort to use them they seemed to work most of the time, but then again, I never found myself really wishing I had more skunk oil bombs (yes they have those).

Returning from Brotherhood were the ability to summon Assassins to do your bidding or send them off to do more interesting missions than the ones you were currently on. Also returning from Brotherhood were the Templar towers, now called dens but they're just the same monotonous chores from Brotherhood that I detested.

Then there's the new features that Revelations brings that I wished they never even thought of: mainly the management of your own dens. Now, mind you, I never felt interested in doing this beyond the story mission that made you do this, and there's a reason why. Basically, every now and then, the Templars will try to take over your den to which you must stand your ground and fight them off. Sounds relatively awesome right? You get to fight wave after wave of Templars until they give up and leave your territory. However, you will not be swinging your sword at them for any of this. Instead, the game goes into a strange RTS style of combat where you must place assassin archers and snipers on the rooftops, along with barricades on the ground, and have the snipers take out the Templar forces invading the area. Doesn't sound so fun now does it?
The only time I did this was enough to make me yawn and wish I could just jump into the street and cut down every Templar I saw, because I could've killed the entire invading army faster single handedly than my snipers were taking pot shots at them from the rooftops. What results is a boring mini-game that has you micro-managing a small war and watching it take place. Sure you can shoot at the Templars with your pistol, but it all adds up to one very disappointing tower defense game the likes of which you can find in abundance on Armor Games.

Along with this we have a mini-puzzle game that I guess is supposed to take us through Desmond's life before the games. They're found on the Animus Island and are unlocked after collecting a certain amount of Animus data shards found throughout the map in Constantinople. They play out like a first person platformer. Initially, they seem to be an interesting look into the past of Desmond but quickly degrade into a blatant Portal knockoff as you traverse room after room full of strange physics puzzles revolving around you summoning two shapes of blocks in order to skirt over deadly pits and lasers. All while Nolan North drones on about very uninteresting portions of Desmond's life, and the guy sounded like he was enjoying this as much as I was as I kept expecting singing turrets around every corner. Yeah, way to be interesting and original Ubisoft!

As for the story, well...
Without getting into spoiler territory I can say that one word sums up the entire storyline of Assassin's Creed: Revelations and that word is: Unnecessary.
There are no "revelations" in this game that are worth revealing. Sure, you get to see what happens to Altair from the first game, but it ultimately ends up feeling like the writers are just shrugging and wondering why anyone cares at this point. By the time I finished this game I wondered what all this meant in the context of the story and I honestly can't find one. The fact of the matter is, this game, and Brotherhood for that matter, are really just filler and nothing more. Sadly, seeing what's been done with Revelations makes me wonder what the true third game in the series is going to be like, because with the current track record for these games it can't be good.

Now onto the spoiler portion of the review.
Going a little more in depth into the so called "story" of Revelations now, the game starts where the last one left off. Desmond has been locked in the Animus after going batshit after being possessed by the Apple of Eden and stabbing Lucy (who was played by Kristen Bell) and killing her. Desmond finds himself on the island from Lost (or is it the trash file in The Matrix?) and is told by a guy who is revealed to be Subject 16, the illusive test subject who went bananas before the first game and placed all those weird glyphs in AC 2 and puzzles in Brotherhood. He's revealed to have survived in the Animus...somehow that is never clearly explained... and doesn't really contribute anything for the rest of the game. Which is sad because these games made it sound like this guy had all the answers we were searching for, since he was the guy who discovered a lost memory of Adam and Eve that you could unlock in AC 2. There is even a hint that he is actually plotting on taking over Desmond's body and leaving him to rot in the Animus as a data ghost, but that never pans out sadly, because that could've given Desmond something to do other than rip off popular first person puzzle games and drone on about Shirley Templars.

Instead, 16 tells Desmond that in order to get back to reality he has to live through the rest of Ezio's life until there's nothing left. Desmond once again delves back into his ancestor's past as we find Ezio, now well into his sixties, and still lookin' good considering healthcare wasn't so good back in the 15th century, at Masyaf (the home of the Assassins in AC 1) in search of some secret library under the castle that is supposed to contain a secret that Altair hid there during his later years. Sadly, the Templars are here too and pretty much ruin any chances of making Ezio's quest any easier. Compounding this fact is that the door to the library is locked and requires five keys in order to open. Ezio learns that these keys were hidden in Constantinople and goes in search of them.

Already, this game is looking like it will be a short one since all Ezio must do is find these keys throughout the city, so to add more padding to the narrative Ezio is tasked with helping the Constantine Assassins in some obscure political struggle that I never really gave two shits about. By this time, I was hoping we'd have focused on just what the hell happened to Lucy and quit wasting time in the past so we could get on with saving the world. Sadly, this isn't the case. Instead we have Ezio, who is Master of the Assassins mind you, going around and doing chores for the other Assassins. Not once does Ezio think that being a 60 year old man and the supreme master of an entire order of knights entitles him to tell the other Assassins to fuck off and get someone doing something less important than understanding the age old secret that could determine the survival of the entire human race. I mean Jesus Christ! Darth Vader wasn't this big of a pushover! Sure he was the Emperor's lapdog but you didn't see an Imperial Lieutenant coming up to Vader and asking him to strike down a lowly government official just because the Lieutenant needed Vader to "prove his skills." Shit, if he did Vader would've choked the guy on the spot for being such an incapable piece of shit!

This all just points to the idea that Ezio is suffering from a mid-life crisis. The guy's pushing sixty and is still jumping on rooftops like Batman. When he's not doing that he's trying to court a woman who is definitely half his age if not more!
When not being the bitch of the Assassins and not denying his age with over-compensation Ezio is looking for the Masyaf keys. It turns out that these keys are actually futuristic data discs that hold memories of Altair's time before and after Assassin's Creed 1. Why and how a man living during the Crusades managed to make technology like this is left to the handwavy power of the Apple of Eden, and ultimately these little flashbacks serve no purpose other than to further annoy you with the fact that any and all "revelations" in this game result in nothing of value being added to the established story. This becomes painfully clear on the first flashback which, as I mentioned, takes place before Assassin's Creed 1. You even are forced to save the man you know is the true bad guy of the first game! It provides nothing of value and only serves as a mode of appeasement to the whiny fans who wanted to play more of Altair for the second game. The rest just detail how Altair's life pretty much fell apart after the events of the first game where half of his family is killed and is driven from the order only to take it back and die an old man. Which is disappointing since Assassin's Creed 2 had hinted that maybe Altair had managed to cheat death in some way, only to be ruined when you find his skeleton in the library at the end of the game.

So Ezio gets the keys and some bad dude who I never really knew or cared to know kidnaps Sofia (the aforementioned young woman Ezio woos with his seniority). Ezio saves her and they unlock the library, only to find it empty with the exception of Altair's corpse and the Apple. There is something mentioned that it's not the same apple from AC 2 but by this time these apples are becoming harder to keep track of than the crystal skulls in the fourth Indiana Jones movie. In the end, Ezio, who talks to Desmond even though he still has no clue who he is, says he's too old for this shit and retires from the Assassin order.
What follows afterwards is another message from the ancient aliens telling Desmond to pretty much do the same thing they told him to do in the second game and he wakes up.
And that's it.
The plot has furthered a whole two inches since the end of Assassin's Creed 2.
I wasted about six hours of my life pissing and moaning and all I got was: "Yeah, we better get a move on that Ancient Temple thing before the sun kills us."

So what "revelations" did we divine from this game? The truth that needlessly stretching out the plot only gets you absolutely nowhere.

God, here's hoping Assassin's Creed 3 will be a step in the right direction....

I give Assassin's Creed: Revelations two skunk bombs out of five.

I've got a lot of walking in Skyrim to get to....

The Re-establishment of Cynicism and a glimpse into the future.

2011 is starting off with a bit of a midrange feel to it (high being the best possible feel you can get and low being the worst). This feeling is slowly decreasing as the days go by it seems. It could be post new years jitters, if there is such a thing, or perhaps it's a sign that 2011 will in fact be one of the lowest years to come around since 2004 (which was possibly the worst year in my life personally, I cannot account for anyone else's experience during that year). I try to remain hopeful in the face of it all because even with the midrange feel it isn't all bad. My schedule isn't so hectic anymore and I'm starting to get back to writing more often.
However the quality of the year is clearly diminishing in the realm of entertainment, mostly films. How good can a year be when it starts off with Season of The Witch starring Nicholas Cage? Sure January has carried the stigma of being the place where the crooked cousins of movies are let out of the pen to play but really now? And then there's the whole awards fiasco going on that's been making my head spin faster and more infinite than Leonardo DiCaprio's spinning top in Inception. If the Inception related joke didn't make it clear to any of you, I pretty much think Inception was the best movie to come out in decades and yet every awards show imaginable has yet to acknowlege how right I am in believing that.
This was compounded when Twilight: "Do We Really Care Which One Anymore?" beat Inception at the people's choice awards for best film (I believe). While I can honestly say I wasn't really surprised, I was hopeful that people weren't this mind meltingly stupid. Turns out I was wrong, and my faith in humanity has forever been pulverized into a fine pinkish paste and buried in a shallow grave, the tombstone of which you can now see on my twitter page...
Is it a gross overeaction to such a trivial awards ceremony? Possibly, but think about it, the masses voted Twilight over Inception. It's like the world is inhabited by clones of my brother's girlfriend, and one was bad enough...
I seriously think that if I were Doctor Who right now, I'd abandon earth and start protecting Raxacoricofallapatorius from now on.
This was just phase one of the process that would inevitably re-establish my once thought cured cynicism. The next came in the form of the Golden Globes where not even Hans Zimmer's fantastic score for Inception could beat the tunes of The Social Network??? I never saw the film, nor do I ever plan to, history films never were my thing (and come on this movie will be the movie they show on aged blu-ray powered projectors in dusty history classes to show the history of how the internet changed the way we experience the world, we all know it...) but I seriously doubt The Social Network's main theme wasn't a clever play on a popular French song, nor could it cause your teeth to resonate for hours after watching the movie.
Why is it Inception is being left out in the cold? Is it because everyone still doesn't get it? Are people that thick? Do the masses really think Battleship: The Movie is a good idea? If so I'm renouncing my own humanity!
I never thought I'd be agreeing with the king of egos himself, James "I'm The King of The World, and your wallets!" Cameron, films are really reaching a new low. If Hollywood (or as my favorite good movie lover The Movie Preview Critic calls it: "Story Corp.") is so unimaginative that they have to begin making Uno: The Movie to make a quick buck then it's obvious that movies in general are moving into a very dark and grim future.
It's bad enough I have to pay twenty-three bucks to watch The Green Hornet in 3D with a friend (I would've gone with 2D but time constraints forced us to go see it in 3D.) but when the audience in the theater cheers when they see Transormers: The Dark Of My Ass it's clear that I am part of a group that is slowly dying out as more and more horrible movies get made and endorsed by the brain-dead masses who pay to see it in the most expensive way possible.
We're even remaking Spiderman now, wasn't it only a couple years ago that Spiderman 3 came out? Sure the movie practically killed the franchise but they're not even waiting until after the funeral to dig up the corpse and start raping it for what it has left. Yes, I painted that picture in your mind, now sit there and think about it. Imagine Spiderman's corpse being assaulted by an overpaid moron who wouldn't know a good story if it tied him to a rock and bashed his head in... now you just try and tell me that what is going on there is perfectly fine!

However, it's not all bad news. I do, in fact, have a fantastic story to tell you all about one movie that has so far surprised me. The movie is called Real Steel starring Hugh Jackman and the story is this:

My friend and I were asking ourselves the day after New Years a question any good movie lover will ask themselves: "Is there anything good coming this year?" It's a question we find rarely has a good answer anymore. In fact, when we looked up the list of films it looks like 2011 will end up being known as one of the worst years for movies ever. Remakes, chick-flicks, remakes, bad movie, Nicholas Cage movie, Twilight related (or influenced) movie, the list smelt more of dookie than a sewer.


Then we find a movie titled "Real Steel."

We click on the link to learn more about it. My friend reads me the synopsis. Here is my recollection of the scene:
FRIEND: Real Steel, starring Hugh Jackman as an out-of-luck boxer trying to make a comback...
ME: Really? Come on. That sounds like every other boxer/wrestler movie that has ever come out...
FRIEND: He steps into the ring...
ME: Rocky, The Fighter, The Wrestler... HEARD IT!
FRIEND: and finds himself staring down a twenty foot tall robot!
ME: WTF?!?!?! EPIC AWESOME!!!!

This moment reminded me of why I like movies. The spins on a pre-set genre that can get you geeked up to go see a film, the surprise of finding something that surprises you. This is a movie I will be keeping my eye on as more news comes out, because so far, it's got me hooked...


2011 hasn't started out as strong as I hoped, and it looks like it isn't getting any better any time soon. I doubt it will get better, but we can only see. For now, expect a review for The Green Hornet pretty soon.

My thoughts on the Lost series finale.

As I explained in my little review a couple days ago I was introduced to Lost very late in the series. Season 5 was just around the corner and I had heard about this crazy show that's set on a mysterious island that holds numerous mysteries like a polar bear, a smoke monster, ghosts, and a strange man by the name of Josh Halloway (who I heard was some sort of god or something or was it "sex god" I don't know all I remember was that the woman telling me this was very excited.) So in an attempt to get caught up I went onto youtube and found the first four seasons and watched them. I was just about to walk away from this show as it just seemed like another castaway story set on an island with what I hoped wasn't a pissed off giraffe. A monster on an island? Isn't that how the movie Deep Rising ended? With shipwrecked survivors landing on an island with a scary monster in the jungle? I was reluctant to continue watching a show that had so far failed to grasp my attention. All it was about was people fighting all the time, Sawyer seemed like a stereotypical racist bastard, Kate the eye candy of the show, and who the hell cares about a drug addicted rock star?
Well luckily before I shut the computer off I landed on the episode "Walkabout" that focused on John Locke's history before the island. When it was revealed that Locke was bound to a wheelchair before the crash and as he stood up for the first time with the Michael Giacchino's score simply bringing me to tears as the scene played out I knew this show was going to blow my mind. And for two years it has blown my mind. Now, it's over and I'm missing it already.

The finale had everything I could've ever wanted. It had a fantastic climax with Jack and MIB battling on the cliffs as the island tore itself asunder. The revelation that the flash-sideways universe was actually a sort of purgatory where the 815 survivors had to find one another was a brilliant twist that provided us with the knowledge that somewhere, in the end, these people are in a better place than when they started six years ago. Sure most of our questions weren't answered, like why does DHARMA still drop supplies if there isn't an initiative to support it? Or why Jack didn't turn into a smoke monster like MIB when he went into the source? In either case these questions were miniscule to the fact that the show was coming to a close and that it ended with a bang. Even if it ended with an eye closing it was still a bang.

Now the speculation isn't over when the show is, there are millions of fans still questioning what just happened. But the only thing I want to know is:

Will Hurley's tenure as Jacob ever be revealed?

Yes, I know it's a dumb question but seriously now am I the only one who thinks it would be awesome to see what Hurley did as the protector of the island? I mean Hurley is more straightforward than Jacob ever will be, and not only that but I'm sure he wouldn't be into the whole "playing god" thing. No doubt if the creators ever wanted to satisfy the more overly critical fans who wanted all their questions to be answered or if ABC was dumb enough to make a spin-off or sequel series because of a loss of viewers, then the show "Hurley" could be it. I mean with Ben Linus as the new Richard Alpert the duo could be the next most awesome duo since Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker (or whichever duo you feel is the most awesome, I just like Rush Hour). Or perhaps (and I should restate the fact that this is just hypothetical) the series will take the "Lucas route" and just start making some awesome spin-offs in other forms of media mainly video-games.
I liked Lost: Via Domus, even if it was short and a little clunky, but this little gap between "The End" and Hurley's death could be just like Star Wars' gap between episode 3 and 4. They could make an awesome game set in the mythology (and better yet not ruin continuity as it's set in the future) that takes us to places the show couldn't (like to someone with all the answers who doesn't speak in riddles).

Alas, this is just fanboy dreams. We all know the show's over and there probably wont be anything new to take the edge off of our addiction to Lost, unless you count the DVD features but even then most of us are already going cold turkey.

Well, it's been fun Lost. Thank you for all the memories, inside jokes, and frustrations. I will certainly miss you, but thankfully I have a friend who hasn't seen the show so perhaps this isn't an actual goodbye. I'm gonna get the DVDs and set my friend on the couch to watch them all, no doubt that should be fun.

See ya in another life, brotha!