Sunday, July 18, 2010

Why I Don't Think I Could Be A Parent

The subject of family and children has been a dominant one in my life recently. Some good friends of mine have just given birth to their second child (which I believe I mentioned previously) and it's been making me think.

I don't think I want to be a parent.

It's a silly thought, but I've found some aspects of myself due to being around my friends' kids that has me realizing that I wouldn't be a good parent. I'm too self centered for once, but then most people are self centered to some level (with the exception of saints and Kevin Bacon). But the predominant factor in my not wanting children stems from one very obvious fact that presents itself when my friends are over.

Children scare the living s*it out of me.

Don't ask me why. Maybe it's because I'm reminded of Chucky or the Children of The Corn. Maybe it's the sense of responsibility that comes with having a child, a sense I lack. I don't know. It's just when I see my friends dealing with their children I can't help but think: "If I had children I'd probably go nuts." Of course I think every parent goes nuts, they have to deal with their children all their lives. But for me I think I'd be very terrible in tolerating all the crap that comes with being a parent. The fits, the self-defacating, and the nonsense I see people deal with makes me cringe. I barely have the patience to deal with myself, how could I tolerate me and a kid who is basically half of me?

I'm also extremely squeamish. All the vomit that comes out of a child is unbelieveable, but it'd be nothing compared to the puke I'd spew after the fact. I can barely brush my teeth without gagging. It's one of those very natural fears, I believe, that other people have when they're offered the chance to hold someone else's kid. The thought: "This kid's gonna puke on me, ruin my shirt, my day, and all hope I have in humanity." It's more likely this will happen than, say, dropping the kid, or the kid being beamed up to the starship Enterprise. Which is why I never intend on holding an infant child (the puking thing, not the "beam me up Scotty").

Again, being a parent is a very arduous job that lasts a lifetime. I have the highest respect for those who do it. They deal with making and shaping another human being (which given the number of stupid people in the world must mean it's the job with the highest failure rate in the universe) but regardless is no less admirable to those who actually are a parent to their kids. My parents, for example, I respect the most among anyone else. They had to deal with me after all. This responsibility and the "no resigning" policy that comes with it is just one more reason I couldn't take the job. I'm barely responsible for myself as it is.

It's this combination of facts (and many more) that's rolled up into a cute little bundle that makes a baby the most terrifying thing in the universe for me. It's more terrifying than all the movie monsters in the world chasing after you as you try to run up the down escalator. More terrifying than an episode of Family Guy. It's scarier than Paranormal Activity. It's scarier than a furby.

I couldn't do it. I simply could not do it.

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