Friday, July 2, 2010

My thoughts on my trip to the Zoo

Two days ago I went to the Portland Zoo with my friends and family. We had a great time, we saw some elephants, giraffes, and dinosaurs(?). Yes, dinosaurs. If the Zoo were sillier it would've had dancing mimes and a giant cake in the shape of a rhino. They forked out the cash to build their own little animatronic Jurassic Fart and to add insult to injury they built the machines to spit at people.

This is just one of the hand full of miserable machinations the zoo forced us to pay for AFTER we paid for the tickets to get into the zoo.

However, on a lighter note, we did get to see some amazing animals. Like I mentioned, elephants, giraffes, zebras, and even tigers. Sadly, they were renovating the lion den so no lions (what a disappointment)

An adorable little kitty!!!!

However, the most interesting animal I encountered at the zoo were, strangely enough, the people. I found it appalling how many dull-faced cows there were. Stumbling about mindlessly as they stared at the numerous caged animals with their ill-mannered children. It was then I lost all hope I had for the human race, for these children are the future. These people are the ones who vote, pay taxes, and give millions of dollars to Hollywood for making shitfests like Twilight. These people, with their cameras, rolling around on their scooters, precursors to a future foretold in Wall-E. It's amazing how I, and most of my peeps, realized how much we hate people. You don't think about it until you're packed into a zoo. It's unimaginable how many people I saw in their motorized scooters! There even was one woman, a very beautiful woman, who was walking around with her overweight son (a kid who looked no older than 8) who was riding a scooter everywhere. How does that happen??? He wasn't crippled, we saw him walk out of the zoo! What possessed (or didn't posses I should say) this woman to not make her own little Jabba the Hut walk around the f*cking zoo???

Then there was the very attractive young lady who was walking around the zoo breastfeeding her child. I can admit I wasn't complaining, she was very attractive (which would explain the baby), but she was jabbering with her friends with the little cretin hooked on like some sort of giant space-leech. I know there's the whole debate about whether or not it is decent to breastfeed in public. Some argue it's natural, some say it's indecent exposure. Well, you know what else is natural? Sexual intercourse. And you cant have it in public. If I can't screw someone in the park in front of everyone without getting in trouble then women can't breastfeed in public. It's natural!

There was also the large groups of children (I think they were part of some sort of daycare center on a field trip) being led by one or two adults. Seriously? That's a disaster waiting to happen. Ten kids with only two adults there to watch them. Why not just get cattle herders to herd them around the damn zoo? You can get a herding dog to nip at their heels if they don't move with the group! Then there are the god-awful complaining children you wish you could just slap. I can't honestly describe how many little brats there were, but by the end of it all I wanted a vasectomy.

But all in all it was a fun trip to the zoo! I had fun. Everyone had fun. We went to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch afterward.

This brings me to my second rant.
I realize I am very uncomfortable in places like the Cheesecake Factory or Red Robin. You know why? Because every waitress (and there are only waitresses at these places) is unbelievably attractive and there I am, stuffing my face with greasy food and cheesecake! I'm certain that no man has gotten a date from these women after finishing their meal. Red Robin has mondo burgers the size of your head, and you can't not look like a pig eating them, and then your sexy waitress comes by to refill your drink and you realize: "My god I look like a slob with this f*cking burger!"

The Oreo Cheesecake, proof that the waitresses aren't the only beautiful things at the Cheesecake Factory.

It's a sad situation any man who eats at restaurants like these has to endure (unless you already have a significant other like everyone else I dine with at both of these places, which means I'm the only guy who feels this way when we go to eat there). But damn is the food good!

And that's what I did two days ago. I went to the zoo, had fun and a anthropological epiphany, went to the Cheesecake Factory where I had good food and felt like a total slob/loser in front of our gorgeous waitress, and went home with sore feet and a need to rant about the experience on my blog.

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